"One of my biggest regrets -- bigger even than not buying the apartment on East Seventy-fifth street [for a song], bigger even than my worst romantic catastrophe -- is that I didn't spend my youth staring lovingly at my neck. It never crossed my mind to be grateful for it. It never crossed my mind that I would be nostalgic for a part of my body that I took completely for granted."- Nora Ephron, "I Feel Bad About My Neck"
If I'd gotten the chance to talk to Ms. Ephron about my neck (before, we lost her to a relentlessly aggressive form of uterine cancer a couple years back) it would've required nothing more than a one-word editorial comment: DITTO. In fact, in this very column, I've made no bones about feeling bad about my own neck. How I really, dread the day when has become bona fide waddle.
It's so stupid really, it's just a neck after all. We all have them. They all age. Some faster than others. I have a friend who is nearly 10 years younger than I and her neck has always been ringed and kind of saggy. And, while that should make me feel better about my own, it doesn't. It just makes me feel bad about hers.
Here's the thing: I, like Nora and her famous friends, don't want to be relegated to turtlenecks and strategically tied scarves for the rest of my days. First of all, I live at the beach -- one of the ancillary benefits of which is getting to avoid having to wear such things. Second, I like tank tops, dammit! And, yes, now that I think about it (and think about it some more) I was fond of my old (young) neck.
I realize, of course, that this is an altogether vapid topic of conversation and that to maintain a modicum of dignity and self-respect, I should contain these CrazyTown musings to the confines of my own head, but apparently, in addition to an increasingly flaccid neck, I have a hefty case of diarrhea of the mouth.
Since for many reasons (i.e. fear of dying on the operating table), a "neck lift" is most assuredly not in my cards, I decided to weigh my neck-firming options and, now, having read up on countless products and sifted through even more reviews, I've zeroed in on an apparently amazing item called Revive Formitif Neck Renewal Cream, $130, which was designed to give the neck and decolletage (aack, haven't even begun to freak out about THAT yet) a smooth, taut, firm appearance while protecting them from sun damage. And, it contains all sorts of special, bio-engineered ingredients and Nobel Prize-winning technologies, so fingers are majorly crossed that it's going to work.
Now, while it's not affordable and I'm going to have to do some creative financial maneuvering to swing it, I figure that, if it works, my inner peace (shallow though it will be) will have been well worth it.
